​The Untold Story of One Man’s Struggle to Survive the Rocky Mountain Wilderness

Day 1 
  The eagle has finally landed! After catching the spirit of spirit airlines for an additional three hours I am in “the west”. Against all odds I have yet again defied gravity and eluded the clutches of certain death.

  I begin my expedition through the open plains following Hailey’s advice and using Lyft. This form of transportation is foreign to me, for I am a simple man from east of the Mississippi. My driver’s name is Tyler and we are totes def becoming bff bonding through the hardships of our journey.

  Tyler tells me it’s too hazy to see the mountains. Perfect, that means they won’t see me coming. I expect the element of surprise shall play a pivotal role in my quest to overcome The Rockies.

  As we enter Denver I see a small squirrel-like dog narrowly evade two motor vehicles. The owner of this purse sized pooch has evidently elected to purchase a real nice glitter hat instead of a leash. Fortunately the dog is more intelligent than her and there are no casualties.

  I reach my destination just after high noon and meet Guinness, our fearless canine mountain guide. We get formerly acquainted over dog treats for him and human treats for me (beer). Guinness is clearly a seasoned veteran. I am eager to learn all he has to teach. 

  It is now 3 p.m (5 p.m real time) and the Hailey has landed. We can begin our training/preperations for the excursion ahead of us. This mostly consists of drinking beer, whiskey, and energy drinks as I continue to run on 4 hours of sleep.

  We head out into the great wide open, our hearts filled with hope and my bladder filled with urine. We convene at Illegal Pete’s. I don’t know Pete or his illegal activities but i am drinking beer while I order tacos. If this isn’t the American dream it’s at least the Mexican dream.

  The local folk tell me that I’m a mile high. I don’t feel that high yet but judging by all the rampant Marijuana use I’ll definetly get there. I am also told I have to drink lots of water to counteract the elevation. It seems a full bladder will be the running theme as I attempt my conquest of The Rockies.

  We venture to Punch Bowl Social for games and more boozing. Hailey wets her whistle with a whiskey ginger and I follow suit to fit in with the natives. I am relatively certain that there is actually no ginger in this beverage. Exhaustion is setting in.

  The local time is 9:30 p.m (11:30 real time). We play corn hole as I nurse my whiskey/self. Clearly Hailey has handled the sack a lot more than I have because I am getting destroyed. Obviously the elevation has effected my sack skills. 

  After surviving an accounter as hazy as The Rockies with another local establishment Lyft has once again come to save me. Our driver is not as experienced as Guinness. I am in no condition to provide direction but Hailey successfully guides the way. 

  We safely arrive back at base camp. Hailey insists that I drink Pedialyte or I will surely parish. She hasn’t failed me thus far and I confirm her recommendation with the ever-faithful Guinness.

  After the first day there have been no casualties thus far. Unfortunately this means I have yet to fist fight a bear. Just after midnight (2 a.m normal time and 22 hours after I woke up) I slip back into the sweet embrace of unconsciousness.


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